| i really wanted to update today, but xanga wont let me upload any pictures. sorry, kids. :[ i'm going to chicago in two hours with my dad and uncle. it'll be a fun, drug filled day. we're picking my future step mom up from the airport. i dont know if i'm excited to meet her or not. i guess i'll find out. ray is coming up next week, i think. we haven't talked much lately because he's been working so much. i miss his voice. it makes me uneasy, i hate not talking to him. i'll update soon. i dont feel like myself when i'm sober, this update sucks. |
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| my friends get so mad at me for being awkward, ray gets annoyed of it. i enjoy it. i don't see anything bad about it. we're fine. tomorrrow is one month back together, it would have been two and half years together. i'm content with just being together. so, it turns out i have PMDD (watch a yaz commerical, you'll know what i'm talking about.) it makes me scared, depressed, clingy and anxious. i'm always afraid you'll leave, but you just comfort me and tell me you love me. i'm so happy we're together. we're working so much out, and i couldn't be happier. 
sorry i seem so bipolar. my pmdd is all fucked up. they're putting me on like 3 meds to see what will help. i'm only crazy for 2 weeks a month. |
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| i'm waiting for you to figure out how much we've changed. you can't see it yet, but you will. we sit on the phone for hours, but we never say a word. half of the time, we're too high to talk. the rest of the time, we have nothing to say. i feel distant from you. we've never been distant, even when we were broken up. now, i cant tell what you're thinking or feeling, and you can't for me either. i hate it. i feel like we've held on to nothing. 
 yummy breakfast. :]
let me know you still want an us, before i leave for the last time. |
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| getting back together was easy, staying together is so much harder. i didnt realize how much different this would be. we've both changed so much. i dont like this you. you're just like nick. all drugs and friends. thats it. i'm just there, barely even noticed. i called you tonight, you talked to me for two seconds, put me on speaker and talked to some other girl. i couldnt handle that, not today. i broke, and i had to hang up so you wouldnt hear. i dont know if i'm going to be able to do this. i dont know if i should. i love the old you, i want him back. 
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| i just sit around listening to victor! fix the sun and minus the bear all day. i'm waiting, and waiting. i'm wasting so much time waiting for your phone calls and checking my email. i get so anxious when we dont talk, i'm sure its unhealthy. i dont understand how you have this effect on me. i hate it, but i cant help but love you. i wanted this time to be different, i wanted to make sure i could be okay on my own. but i need you. i dont know how i made it 7 months without you, when i can barely go two days without hearing your voice. us being together still feels unreal. i'm still scared, but i talked to your best friend. you love me, he says, and you dont ever want to be without me again. i want to believe it, trust me, but its hard. maybe when i see you during christmas you'll make all my fears disappear. |
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